Friday 1 August 2008

That old pilot-air hostess chestnut

I felt prompted to write this by a post on another pilot's wife blog (which I like very much) - Musings of Cpt J's Wife. In it, she responds to posts on a forum she reads from women who trust their pilot husband/boyfriend completely not to cheat on them. It's clear they've touched a nerve. This is what Cpt J's wife has to say (this is abridged from her post - click through for her full post, which has a lot more detail):

"Don't "assume" that your SO is so head-over-heels for you that he won't cheat.
Regardless of the laws you lay down, if they are going to cheat they will
cheat - REGARDLESS! If you think that you are immune to the ups and downs of
this lifestyle you are living in a bubble. You cannot truly give an opinion
or tell someone what to do unless you have been in this industry for quite
some time. I feel sorry for these women that will come back to the forums in
a few months or year and cry that it has happened to them. "

From her post, it's very clear that Capt J's Wife has been hurt deeply in the past. I was very sorry to hear about it, and I understand completely why she must feel that other women are living in ignorance (as I'm sure some are, by a law of averages).

I do agree that if someone's going to cheat, they will cheat, no matter how many 'laws' are agreed between a couple. I also agree that you can't really give good advice or your opinion to someone in a particular situation unless you've been through it yourself. However, I do disagree with a lot of what she says.

Speaking from my own experience, I do believe that my husband loves me so much that he will never cheat, partly because I apply that same rule to myself, and know that my depth of feeling for him would mean I will never want to stray either. This is coming from a partnership with many years under its belt, and a great deal of experience of the aviation industry, too, so we're not exactly new to this.

We have absolute trust between us. However, this isn't just blind trust; he's never given me reason to worry. He's more of a culture-vulture than a drinker and sunbather, so when he's on a trip he's much more likely to be in bed early so that he can sight-see the next day, rather than staying up late to go to drink with the crew. Having said that, even when he ends up socialising with the crew on a night out - I still trust him, because of who he is, and how well I know him.

I also think it's important to get the amount of cheating that goes on into perspective. Tempting as it might be to think that all these women who are in nauseatingly happy relationships are kidding themselves, I believe that most of them aren't.

What it boils down to, I think, is this. If someone's going to cheat, they will do, whatever their job - policeman, lawyer, postman, milkman... I mean, what about doctors and nurses? That's even more of a cliche than pilot and air stewardess! It's certainly a great industry if you're going to cheat, but I still maintain that that really doesn't mean that everyone (man or woman, let's remember there are women in this industry too) is going to do it! I think, therefore, that Cpt J's Wife's final point - that these same women will come back to the forum, crying that their husbands have cheated on them - is wide of the mark.

I think people get carried away with the stereotyping of pilots. It's like saying that all lawyers are avaricious, that all nurses are naughty, and that all policemen plod! Pilots are individuals, just like everyone else, and some will cheat, and some won't. Only they - and often their partners - know whether they have, or will, or haven't, and won't.

And don't forget that it's perfectly possible for the partner at home to cheat too. In fact I read an article by Edwina Currie (think John Major and his blue pants - yuck) the other week, in which she argued that many women cheat, but they're better at hiding it so they don't get found out. But that's for another post I think!

27 comments:

  1. Is your pilot a long-haul pilot?

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  2. thank you for writing this ...

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  3. Unfortunately, I was one of those wives who was told about the cheating from an older, been around the block pilot's wives. I explained that my husband had very high morals and was a strong christian man who was completely committed to me and my children. That I couldn't imagine him ever cheating because his first wife had cheated on him. Well, guess what...he had already cheated on me. I was so blinded by the fact that he was wonderful at home and the fact that I could never imagine cheating on him that I didn't see what was right in front of me. My husband too, loves the touring of foreign cities, the culture, museums,etc. He also apparently enjoys lots of other women. DO NOT allow yourself to project how you feel onto them. Just because you think you would never cheat doesn't mean they won't. Just because you seem to have the best marriage in town..don't be fooled. I was. He says he cheated because he could do it and not get caught. Even men who appear to be upstanding, moral men who would never do anything to harm their families do. I got an std from one of those types of men. Take care of yourself by keeping your eyes wide open. Stating that you love each other so much this could never happen to you just shows how blind you are....I know I have been there. Good Luck. You need it.

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  4. My husband is a long-haul pilot for a US based commercial carrier.
    He also has a couple of divorces under his belt - which I learned after we'd married - were caused directly by his cheating. He swore to me he'd "learned his lesson" and that he "loves me more than anything". Anything except cheating it seems.

    He cheats because he can, and he knows there's nothing I can do to prove it. He cheats because I've allowed myself to become completely financially dependent on him and he knows that too.

    I was one of those women who thought my pilot husband would never cheat because our partnership was too valuable to him. I was wrong. And I think you are deluding yourself if you think your partnership is above cheating as well.

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  5. I have to disagree with the scorned women who have posted negative comments on this site.

    I have been working in the airline industry as a flight attendant for several years. I currently work as an international flight attendant for a major US carrier, and my husband is an airline captain.

    I have seen it all working in this industry. I am relatively young, so I have had my fair share of advances from pilots. Some were married, some were not. However, I have flown with many more pilots who are completely devoted to their wives and families. I think it is unfair to judge a person simply based on his/her occupation. If it is in a person's nature to cheat, they will.

    Flight Attendants tend to have a bad reputation in this respect, also. I have had multiple opportunities to cheat on my husband, but I could never do anything to hurt him or jeapordize our marriage. Furthermore, I would never sleep with a married man. But again, these convictions are my own. Not all women think like me, which leads me back to my initial point: Cheating is not occupational, it is personal.

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  6. Maura,

    Can I refer you to a recent post?

    http://marriagewithaltitude.blogspot.com/2009/01/all-pilots-cheat-and-other-more.html

    That should explain how I feel on the subject.

    In short: I'm very sorry you married a sad excuse of a man, but I haven't. All people are individuals.

    And I'm amazed you didn't find out about the cause of your husband's divorce(s) before you married. I mean, didn't his family and friends tell you? That's a pretty major thing to need to know!! Blimey.

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  7. I'm a young pilot's wife and I've grown suspicious that my husband, who flies for a regional carrier, may be cheating. How did others find out about their men with wandering weenies? I could really use some advice!

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  8. I found out about my husband by checking his e-mail. He did have a hidden e-mial address but one letter slipped through to his regular one. Is he hiding his computer screen from you. Is he making calls in another room? Does he have Skype. There is a history buton on it that may help.

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  9. Let me just say this. I have been a pilot's wife for 25 years and hell yes all of the assholes cheat. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that they don't and the one who says that he is this and that you are lying to yourself. Case in point... They have idle hands, and men have sexual appetites tat increase as they are away. We need to be honest with ourselves and tell the truth. If you were honest you would not want to find out that he is , but the good lord gives us all intuition and you are living a fallacy if you have denied your spirit the right to reveal these things to you. The book of Psalms states that a mans eye is never full. Keep this in mind, sex sells and that was the end result of many of the men in the Holy Bible and when you turn on the TV and read the newspaper you see where whores and classy prostitutes are tearing up families as well as many childrens lives. If Satan can attack the male first, then he has accomplished his mission in the home. Don't fool yourself that we are in the state of utopia, ladies we yet have a ways to go. Their is a saying"The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world". Grab your inner strength and be strong and hold on. Ladies we can make it through anything! Everything you need is inside of you already. God bless

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  10. I "was" married to a Delta pilot for 22 years. Crazy in love, but after being hired by Delta--within the first year I knew something was wrong. Yes, he had flight attendant "friends" and became addicted to porn--they use to have it in the cockpits, still available in hotel rooms, and on the computer(oh, he was a Christian, family man, loving husband "once upon a time"). I decided to divorce him. Get this...a couple years later the first man I dated was another Delta pilot. Yes! He was/is even worse than my husband regarding the lying, flight attendants, and other women--don't forget the bar scene on international trips. I've also seen firsthand the crazy amount of drinking that goes on, people hanging all over each other, flirting, among the crew--married and singles! He even came home with a picture of himself with a flight attendant and him together. Had phone numbers of flight attendants. I have to laugh about it now. I've seen other married pilots with their "girlfriends" on some of those trips too. Next time I'd definitely say something. My friend who was a male flight attendant with Delta said almost "all" pilots cheat and "most" flight attendants cheat with them, its just more secretive now.

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  11. flight attendants will screw a guy they just met if he works on a airplane and why not their husbands at home will never know,"not all but most will" sober or after 2 drinks 2 dances = sex, they are lonely and crave attention.I love the easy sex no one ever wished they had less sex when they get old. Married stews cheat and why not,what happens on the road stays on the road.Party and have fun then go home to life that is hard work. on the job leave your troubles behind and drink dance sex all on the company's dime.

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  12. flight attendants have bad reputations,"duh" they earned it by screwing the guy's from work married and single stew's a like.drinking and sex on layovers, one night stands like shaking hands, someone else's wife not mine.

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  13. Hello- I really need to reply to some of these posts on cheating pilot husbands but don't know if anyone is still reading this subject. The dates are a bit old, but I'm married to an English pilot and moved 14 years ago from LA to marry him. I really need to share something that I suffer with everyday and really need feedback. Is there anyone still on this blog?

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  14. I've got to say...ladies...that I'm a training pilot in the UK and I'm also engaged! I would never and WILL NOT cheat on her! I have had many offers without actually ever being in the job! So why would I start once I am a pilot! You are all pathetic people who's minds have been soured by events in their life created by sad people! Grow up and find yourself better husbands!!

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  15. i am an air hostess, 25, engaged, good-girl, in my world. One night in layover i got too close to the pilot (married 3 kids, 35) it happened in instance, both of us knew its wrong and did everything to stop. but we couldn't - 6 month of guilt and lies. Wives, where da heck r u?? How didnt u see he was in love, energy, butterflies, forgetting thing, acting weird, even kids saw "daddy is different" ??? Its been a year, we stopped it but our life is changed. I am so sorry i wish i knew

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  16. i am an air hostess, 25, engaged, good-girl, in my world. One night in layover i got too close to the pilot (married 3 kids, 35) it happened in instance, both of us knew its wrong and did everything to stop. but we couldn't - 6 month of guilt and lies. Wives, where da heck r u?? How didnt u see he was in love, energy, butterflies, forgetting thing, acting weird, even kids saw "daddy is different" ??? Its been a year, we stopped it but our life is changed. I am so sorry i wish i knew

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  17. All of you FA's, married pilots, etc...who are cheating in this industry and hurting families by breaking them up or making the spouses at home mistrust and hurt, are all poor excuses for humanity!! I am a victim n this and have been going through hell because of all of you who are sick, cheating, horrible people!! Also, when the hell are the airlines themselves going to step up and start telling all of you cheating little children to grow up and nurture and take care of your families and be good moral people??? The airlines suck when it comes to caring about the spouses at home and the children who are part of the employee's career and the company. Seriously, everyone grow up and (mostly you stupid cabin crews and pilots), and do your damn jobs and keep your zippers shut and quit all the drinking and embarrassing yourselves!!!

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  18. swa pilot was talking about the 1980,s and 1990,s the grannies were banging every guy in site back then , air hostess 25 good girl sleeping with married guy that happened alot more back in the day. Some things never change

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  19. i married a flight attendant i believe they sleep around more than prostitutes i should have not have settled, lol

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  20. I was married for thirty years. My spouse was seduced by a married pilot when she was out with friends. So I dropped by the bar later to see what was going on. The bar was filled with pilots, brazenly wearing wedding rings, all trying to pick up women. It was staggering and eye-opening. Studies show that about 60% of married people are cheating at some point. It goes up for married people who travel for employment. It goes even higher for pilots who by nature are self-absorbed and frequently narcissistic. If your husband is a pilot, the cheating rate is probably about 90%. If he's a pilot, just assume he is cheating.

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    1. I am so sorry. Pilots are absolute pigs. I should know I was married to Capt "D" who is the lowest of the low. Hell just throw the bar on the ground. I think he will sleep with anything...yuck

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    2. does he work for air canada, by any chance

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  21. Pilots are just assholes.

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  22. My Delta Airline pilot husband has cheated on me several times. I have a beautiful daughter who was getting calls from this old ugly flight attendant telling her she was having sex with her dad. I had to get a divorce and there was no marriage counseling even considered. My daughter no longer speaks to her father and probably never will.She wants to change her last name to my maiden name. I think pilots and flight attendants are just sociopaths. Flight attendants are really stupid, you have to be really low to sleep with anyone you fly with...Pilots are worse they feel that it is their right to cheat and lie. I worked my way thru college and work as a professional with other educated professionals. None of the people I work with would have sex with each other just because we could.

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  23. way to go married to a pilot, do not bring your bitter, broken , drain the life and energy out of any man loser self around, old flight attendants are nasty and over used ,all of them, dosen,t change anything. pilots ex wives and flight attendants are cancer to us with normal jobs.

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  24. To Anonymous May 29th 2011: You are stupid. You sleep around with a married man, blame the wife like she did somethng wrong for sure to push him away, and ask where is she? What the hell do you think goes on behind their doors at home once he arrives back to her? He would never tell you, and you are an idiot to not realize he is just as much a low life piece of scum to cheat, let alone sleep with you as dumb as you are.

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  25. You people are all sick ...get a life.

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