Things I hope my Grandmother hasn't taught me

My son and I are currently in the UK, staying with my parents. My husband's flying in tomorrow for Christmas. We can't wait.

Yesterday, we all went up to the north of England to visit family there, including a visit to see my Grandmother, who hadn't yet had a chance to meet my son, her third great-grandchild.

Those who've read my blog for a while will remember this post about a trip I made to see her just before I moved out to the Middle East. It was a lovely visit, one I will always remember.

Sadly, yesterday was a day I'd rather forget. Mum had been telling me for some time that my Grandma's attitude had deteriorated. She has always had a rather selfish, stubborn personality, but this seems to have got worse and worse over the last ten years or so. Added to this, she also seems to have become very paranoid. And, as I mentioned in my previous post, she's a wily old bird, but she's putting this to bad use now, unfortunately.

At 95, she's still living in her own home. The problem is, she's finding it harder to look after herself, but continually refuses to pay for the care she needs, insisting her two daughters (one of whom is my Mother, who lives 2 and a half hours away) should be doing it instead. She continually claims to be lonely, but refuses to be picked up to visit family members, has refused an invite for Christmas Day, and won't even countenance visiting a local day centre (not HER sort of people or HER sort of food, apparently!)

When we saw her yesterday, I started trying to have a nice chat with her, but instead of responding in kind, she laid into me for not phoning her when I'm visiting the UK. I tried explaining how busy and overwhelmed I am when I visit, but instead, she then said "Yes, well at the moment, your life is full. But you wait until you're old and nobody cares about you, your husband has died and your son has left home, and you're all alone, and then you'll know how I feel". Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, indeed...

She complains nobody visits her enough. Well, it's clearly not surprising when she's so horrendously unpleasant. The sad thing is that if she wanted company, fun, laughter and family, she could have it in abundance! Comparisons with Scrooge come to mind...

So, I really hope that if I have the honour of getting to her age (she also told me I might get lucky and die before her age! Briliant!) I hope I manage to keep my ability to wish joy for other people, and find joy all around me. Because, if she even tried to look for it, it's definitely there.

Low

I'm feeling very low at the moment. It's now, unbelievably, a month since my husband left for the Gulf, and at this point I still have no idea when I'm going to be joining him. The reasons for this are complicated, and at this point are amassing into a huge dark cloud that I'm having trouble seeing through.

My husband's type-rating is extremely demanding, and he's getting hardly any time off. This means that all the admin that needs doing to sort out our life out there - and believe me, there is a lot of it - has to be squeezed into a very short period of time. For example, he's been trying to get an internet connection for a month now. Whenever he calls the company they insist they are coming round immediately, but never do. In order to buy a car, he needs to change his UK driving licence to a local one, and this involves a trip to an office on the other side of town, a long wait, and a mountain of forms. The positive news on the horizon though is that he has submitted my resident visa application, and this should be ready in two weeks. This means that I should be able to fly out any time after that.

Aside from this, I suspect strongly that I'm suffering from PMT. Whilst in normal circumstances I should be very pleased about this (as it suggests I have a cycle!) at the moment it's just yet another thing dragging me down. I feel hyper-emotional and irrational, and am very short tempered.

This morning we had a family crisis. My husband's sick aunt, who had been staying with me - and had begun to feel an awful lot better - suddenly couldn't get out of bed and started having heart palpitations. On the advice of the doctor, we called an ambulance. This coincided with my parents' return from holiday on an overnight flight - I had been intending to drive them home, two and a half hours away, because they hadn't had any sleep. We were then going to have a long-planned family weekend, as my sister is home with them, too. Instead, we all ended up in A&E, and mum and dad had to drive home alone without me a few hours later. I was so worried about them, as driving on the M25 after a night of no sleep is not a very safe thing to do!

Meanwhile, I'm about to visit my poor aunt in hospital, as she's been admitted to the cardiology ward. The doctors aren't sure how long they are going to keep her in for, and it's not nice being ill so far away from home. If she's kept in a few days, I see no option but to stay here as well, so I'm going to have to cancel my weekend with my parents.

This wouldn't be a big thing for me to deal with normally, but I feel such a cocktail of emotions at the moment: I feel so guilty for not being at home with my parents for the family weekend I'd promised (quite important, given that I'm about to move halfway across the world), so exhausted after the endless rounds of packing, sorting and chucking, and so very alone. My parents took our pet with them this morning, as they're going to be looking after him while we're living abroad, so now I am truly on my own in this house, which is dismantling around me every second. It's a profoundly depressing place to be.

Add that to not knowing when I'm going to be able to see my husband again, and you arrive somewhere near how I feel right at the moment. Just crap, really.

Things my grandmother taught me

I've just returned from a trip to the north of England to visit my 93 year old grandmother. She and I both knew that this might be the last time we would meet, so it was an emotionally charged visit.

She's a wily old bird. She told me that recently one of her care assistants suggested that she should move into the house with her two teenage daughters to look after her. Gran said nothing, but knew of course that the woman in question was after her money and the comforts of her nice house. It hasn't been spoken about again. Gran tells me the carers often say she's "sweet" - if only they knew! Actually she was a fairly hard-nosed entrepreneur, and has eaten many men for breakfast...

She married my grandad six months before the declaration of World War II. She told me it was "the greatest mistake of her life". She didn't really have time to get to know him - her family moved about a lot - but he was kind to her, and she thought she was in love, so they got married and, having no money to speak of, moved in with her parents. When war was declared he was sent to serve in the desert, and she didn't see him for SIX YEARS. An awful long time to be alone (and here's me complaining about 5 weeks!) It was the making of her, though, really. Her father's business, a commercial bakery, flourished during the war, and she took charge of it.

"I took charge and made money, my own money, and I didn't answer to anybody - put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

(Not something I ever expected to hear her say!)

By 1945 she had enough money to buy a house and a car, and she says my Grandad returned from the war a different man - slightly broken, easily influenced, and in fact her polar opposite. Still, they made a go of it, and were married until my Grandad's death from cancer in 1978. They had two lovely daughters.

Whilst we were looking at some old photos she said "I bet you'll find some of my old boyfriends in there". None were found, actually, but I don't doubt that she had a few affairs, judging by later form. After my grandfather's death she set about finding another mate to share her large house, and marry she did, for a second time. After he died, she moved into her current bungalow and began visiting the local old people's home to cheer up the residents, which is where she met, in her own words, the love of her life. At the age of 80, she became engaged again. They never married, but she says the few years she shared with him until his death were the happiest of her life.

Looking through all her old holiday and family photos, she seemed to surprise herself.

"There I was thinking how I worked all the time, but look at this. I had some wonderful times. I had a wonderful life. It's just this last bit that isn't wonderful".

Her life is very sad now. All her friends have died, she's unable to get out of the house, and her ability to walk lessens every day. But she's still got a wicked sense of humour. As I got ready to leave, she hugged me, and said:

"Be happy, my girl. Remember life's about give and take. But more take than give, that's my motto..."