Aviation agony aunt

I came across this question on a message board yesterday.

Does anyone know anyone who is dating or married to an airline pilot?
I have been dating my boyfriend over a year. He is the greatest guy I have ever dated, but he is a pilot and is gone 4 days a week. Even though he calls me a lot and tries to make me feel comfortable with his job, I still find myself sad a lot
when he is gone. I am 25, he is 30, and I don't know if I should stay in the
relationship because I think if we were to get married i would end up working
harder than him, and resenting him. It is also hard because I never know who he
is with or the hotels he is at. I'm worried our relationship is more likely to
fail because of his job. I don't want to stay with him another 2 or 3 years only
to end up in a break-up. I wanted to know if anyone has any advice or personal
experience with this?

I feel like I'm wearing my metaphorical comfy agony aunt jumper today, so I thought I'd try to offer some advice, not just to this lady, but also to other women (and men!) out there who are going through the same thing.

Firstly, being in a relationship with someone who's away a lot is never going to be easy. There are always going to be times when you feel horrible by yourself, when you just wish you could be like "everyone else", and have a husband who works 9-5. Pilots often miss birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and other important days - and you just have to learn to live with it, and make the best with it. The best way to deal with absence I find is to be busy. I use the time I'm by myself to work, see my friends, play with the dog, go shopping, decorate the house, whatever comes, really. I've come to really appreciate this time and make the most of it. The thing is, you see, unlike other people who can get stuck in a rut and bored with each other, you're never going to be in that situation (which is great! Trust me!) Instead, you get to experience that lovely rush of joy when they come back from a trip, every week! How great is that.

As for never knowing who he's with, and which hotel he's staying in... Well, that's easily fixed with good communication. I always know where my husband is, and we make it a rule that we speak every day, wherever in the world he is. That's not because I want to keep tabs on him (that way lies madness!) but because we just want to be in touch and talk about our days, albeit thousands of miles apart! As for knowing who he's with - well, if he's not telling you the basics (we always talk about who the Captain is, what the crew are like, etc) then I'd wonder why. If you know this, but are just worried about the individual crew he's with - is that because you're worried he'll cheat? If so, why? Often we worry about this sort of thing because in our heart of hearts we know our partners aren't that trustworthy. Just a thought.

When you say you're worried you'll work harder than him, do you mean in the home? It's true of course that you'll sometimes have to carry a lot of responsibility for the home by yourself, because he simply can't be around. I get around this by having a cleaner (as I work a lot too!) and we also have our shopping delivered so neither of us has to trawl around the supermarket. Women who have children often have good childcare arrangements and/or help from family and friends, so that they can have a break.

Luckily, when my husband is home, he's great around the house. If you think this is going to be a flash point, then you need to talk seriously about it and explain why it bothers you. I'm sure your boyfriend will understand your concerns.

So, in conclusion - there are challenges when you have a relationship with a pilot, but to be honest, nothing that you can't overcome. There will definitely be days when you're going to feel pretty crap, but there will also be brilliant days when he comes home and you feel like you're teenagers again. Being alone can be hard (and I imagine even harder when you have a family, although I haven't experienced that yet!) but again, you learn to deal with it.

The other thing to note is - whether your relationship survives or fails is down to who your boyfriend is, and who you are, and NOT whether he's a pilot, in my opinion. I note that a lot of women on message boards and blogs refer to their partners as "my pilot", as if they're all one amorphous mass, and not individuals with their own brains and personalities! This gets on my nerves. Because, let's face it - a strong relationship will survive your other half being a pilot (just as it would if he was in any other stressful job that involved travelling) , just as a weak one will often fail. A sad (but true) fact of life, I'm afraid.

I really hope yours proves to be a strong one. All the best!