A career of one's own

Radio 4's Woman's Hour recently asked its listeners to tell them whether they felt their career defined them. The implicit question was -  is motherhood enough, or do you need a career to make you feel happy?

I was reflecting recently how stressed I used to be in my job in London. My commute was horrendous, my colleagues occasionally bullying or bitchy, my shifts anti-social. I wasn't conceiving. When we moved out to the Gulf, I looked at it as a blessing in disguise. I realised that not working gave my body a break from the rat race, and would probably make fertility treatment more successful; and so it proved to be. I was pregnant within five months of arriving in my new home.

What I hadn't prepared myself for was the shock of losing my career. I felt like I'd lost my identity. I realised I'd worked for so many years to reach the position I had (in a career that many people aspire to) that I coudn't just let it go.

I don't talk about my career on here as I want to keep that side of life separate from this blog, but let's say, for argument's sake, that I'm a doctor. I've trained for many years to get this far, and obviously people are interested in what I do. When we go out, people are equally as interested in my career as they are in my husband's. When I go somewhere for work, I'm treated as a professional, someone who's worked hard to get where they are.

Once I became a Mum and remained unemployed, all conversation turned to our baby. Social gatherings always involved talking about sleeping patterns and my difficulties breast feeding. No-one ever asked what "I did" anymore, although they continued to ask my husband about his flying career.

Not only this, but my self-esteem began to plummet. I hadn't realised just how much of  buzz I got from my job, from working hard and seeing a concrete result at the end of it. Not to mention the self-worth you feel when you're making at least some of the money you're spending. Motherhood had no deadlines, just long, long, bleary eyed shifts. I told my husband more than once that I envied his work. He looked at me like I was mad, as he was wishing (logically enough) that he could spend more time at home with our little boy. Meanwhile I craved a few hours away from home, dressed to impress, doing the job I loved and getting paid for it. I was as surprised to feel that way as many of you will be reading this.

I also noticed a subtle shift in the way my husband behaved towards me. Call me paranoid, but I felt that he looked at me differently now I wasn't working and achieving in the workplace. I felt, to be honest, that he wasn't as proud of me as he had been. That's probably the post-natal depression that was talking, but it certainly added to the desperation I felt to get back to work.

Fast forward nearly two years, and our son is at nursery three days a week. I have miraculously managed to find a part-time job which means I can balance time with my family with the work I love to do. There are still challenges (the battle to fit decent family time into my husband's roster is never ending) but I'm overjoyed to have my career back.

I love being a mother, but I refuse to give up my career as a result. No-one ever asks men to do that, do they? No-one ever asks a Dad why he's going back to work so soon, or why he's letting someone else look after his child when he could resign and stay at home and look after his child. Well, do they?

Big fat nope.

Frequently asked questions - some answers

Whenever I meet new people, conversation always gets round to what my husband does for a living. It's such a huge part of our daily lives, it's not surprising, really. The questions I get asked are pretty similar. People are very curious about what our lives are really like. So, I thought I'd answer a few of the questions here for people who come across this by googling "what's it like being married to a pilot" and who'd like some answers!

1) Do you get free flights?

Nope. We get ID90s, which means we pay 10% of the fare, plus tax. These tickets are always standby, which means we don't get on if the plane is full. It can be a pretty hairy experience trying to get anywhere.

2) But you always fly up the front, don't you?

Sadly, not any more.My husband's current airline doesn't allow staff kids into Business or First, so even the most senior Captains have to travel in economy with their young families! Gets my goat, this one. I flew Biz all the time before I had my son.

3) Your husband flies long haul - that must mean he's away a lot, but then home a lot, too?

Not really true at the moment, although it used to be. His current airline has a pilot shortage (huge expansion with not enough recruitment to keep up) so he and his fellow pilots are working far too hard. It surprises many of my friends that my husband often only has 24 hours off between long haul trips, often switching over from East to West or vice versa. He's knackered. How long his airline can carry on like this, I don't know. The pilots are so tired and hardly see their families. Some months recently he's just had the minimum days off at home that are legally required - 8.

4) Do all pilots cheat?

Nope. My husband is far too tired most of the time to even go out! And he's also more of a culture vulture than a party guy, and his cabin crew are rarely seen outside of their rooms downroute. Having said that, his first airline was more of a "party airline" and there was a great deal of socialising there. I never worried he'd cheat (we have complete trust, thankfully) but I did get annoyed about the girls flirting with him, as they often did. My husband used to come home and tell me all about it :) It has to be said, though, that I'm one of the lucky ones. I've lost count of the number of times my husband has told me that one of his colleagues is cheating on his wife. It's sad, but a fact of life. The aviation lifestyle can be toxic to family life. You have to work very hard at your marriage.

5) But you must be rich?

This is one thing the Middle East airlines do well. Their salaries are fantastic, we don't pay any tax (at all!) and our accommodation is paid for, too.

6) Aren't planes flown by computers nowadays anyway?

Nope. Well, in the cruise they are, but you only have to look at the number of accidents related to pilot error to see how much influence over the aircraft the pilots have.

7) So, your husband is a First Officer. When does he actually get to fly the plane?

Arrrrgggghhhhhh! There are TWO pilots on the plane. Both the First Officer and the Captain are fully trained pilots, who share the flying. But the Captain is in charge overall, and has more experience. (Generally - but there are some very experienced FOs out there.)

That's all for now. If you have any more questions, post them in a comment and I'll answer them!

Wedding presents

We've just got back from a wonderful break in a very snowy uk. We were back for my father in law's 80th. We had some wonderful family time, but also some very precious time for just the three of us. It snowed whilst we were staying at my parents' house, which we had to ourselves as they were away on holiday for some of our stay. We loved it, sitting by the fire in a beautiful country house surrounded by snowy hills and lakes. Taking our little boy sledging for the first time was such a joyful experience. We will never forget it.

While we were home, I did something I've been meaning to do for a while. I went into one of mum and dad's sheds (where most of our belongings from our previous lives are stored) and retrieved the cutlery we were given as a wedding present. We were given so many beautiful things that we decided to leave behind because they were too heavy, too precious or too fragile to ship to the middle east. We also had no idea whether we'd be staying, and we knew we'd have to ship everything back that we decided to take with us. Consequently, we parted with a lot of our belongings, and it's got to the point where we've forgotten we owned most of it. I realised this was ridiculous, so this trip, I decided to bring something back. Crockery and saucepans are too large, but we managed to bring the whole cutlery set back with us in our suitcases.

It's a small thing, but I'm so happy to have it here. We've well and truly settled here, and it makes sense to have our lovely things here, rather than just 'managing' with cheap stuff we bought in a hurry 3 years ago. This is our home now, after all.

Married pilot gets cabin crew girl pregnant - shock

Since when is this news?  I'm linking to a story in the Telegraph from December about a married British Airways pilot (I assume a Captain from the salary they refer to) who got a young female cabin crew member pregnant downroute.

Oh, to live in a world where this a surprise. Blimey, this goes on all the time, as anyone involved in the aviation industry unfortunately knows. I think this got into the press due to the recent (and completely misunderstood) BA "hug a pilot" training. His poor wife.

Who knows where on earth the Torygraph dug it up from - probably Facebook, or someone's mate. Quite frankly, they could have made it up and it would still be true ten times over. But come on, it's not news, is it?