More goodbyes

We're now back in the sandpit after three glorious weeks of holiday. We spent the first one in the UK visiting family (never as relaxing as we hope it will be) followed by two weeks in a cabin on the south-west coast of France.

We've been there for a week at a time before, but our decision to opt for two weeks this time was the right one. It allowed us to completely relax, a rare commodity in our usually busy, packed normal lives. We spent most days sitting outside in the sun with a book, going to the pool and sitting on the beach, watching our now 16 month old son (who's just learned to walk) discover the joys of playing with sand. In the evenings, we put our son to bed and had lovely meals out on the deck, lit by candle light and the setting sun.

Anyhow, we're back now, after a marathon drive from the south of France to Charles de Gaulle in Paris (7 hours, and our son was great for the whole journey) followed by a 6 hour flight (when he was less tolerant.) It's great to be back in our villa - no matter how great a holiday is, coming home to your own things, own bed, own kitchen etc is always a pleasure.

A couple of days ago, I went round to see a neighbour of mine, a fellow pilot's wife who arrived pretty much when we did. She had big news; she's leaving. Her husband has got a job flying for SAS, and they are leaving in October. In fact, he husband told me that a lot of the pilots we know are going, and I'm not surprised. Which means, of course, that there will be many more goodbyes over the next few months.

I'm not very good at change. In fact, I'm rubbish at it. And if there's a universal truth about expat life, it's that it's constantly changing. People come, and people go. I just don't like it, that's all. To cope with it, you have to be good at making new friends (which luckily, I am) but also accepting of the loss of old ones all the time. And there's always that nagging feeling that somehow you're being left behind.

All I can do, though, is get on with life as normal, busy myself with work (which I'm getting a lot more of these days) and wait for the announcements to come.

All change, please

It seems like it's leaving season here in the sandpit. It's the end of the school year, of course, and the beginning of a long hot summer in the Gulf. So many people who have been here for much less time than we have are packing up and heading home.

There's a container sitting outside our neighbour's villa as I write this - his wife is leaving with the kids, despite the fact he has no other job to go to in the UK yet (although there is one in the pipeline, next year, probably). Once his family's gone, he's going to be lodging with a friend in his spare room.

I've just met another pilot's wife in a coffee shop who suddenly announced she's leaving in 3 weeks with her two kids, again leaving her husband behind. He has at least another year to do here before his bond is up. I asked why, and she just said "I hate it here". Nothing like positivity, eh.

Yet another pilot's wife I know has decided to move home so she can work. Despite company subsidy, school fees here have eaten in the family's budget and reality has dawned. This is not the gold-plated emirate they had anticipated. Money doesn't grow on palm trees. So, another family is separated.

Call me a cynic, but I think these stories didn't have to end this way. When I first came out here I was homesick, disorientated and depressed. I wanted to take the first plane home - but I didn't. Yes, I've had bad times (PND as an expat is no joke) but at no point have I considered going back to the UK and leaving my husband here by himself.

The sandpit is not perfect, and it's a long way from London (both in distance and lifestyle) but it has great things about it, too.  We have lovely friends here, a great place to live, tax free salaries and a great lifestyle. We won't be here forever, and I don't see it as some sort of prison sentence (as some certainly do). My career has actually taken off in a totally different but really fun direction, and most importantly, we're together as a family. That matters to us more than anything.

I do think that your happiness out here is a state of mind. If you want to be happy, you will. I believe the women who are heading home have never tried to enjoy themselves here, have lived insular lives and have spent a great deal of their time complaining.

So, actually, I think them going is a good thing. It's not healthy to have so much negativity around. At least the people who are left behind actually want to be here.

All change, please...

(Expat) mean girls

Lately, I've just about had my fill of some of the women I know out here. I've missed my old friends in the UK hugely.

It's not that I don't have many friends - I do. In fact, I have lots and lots of "friends", people who invite me to coffee and lunch, children's birthday parties and trips to the pool. I just don't have many of the sort of friends you need when you have, say, post-natal depression. Yes, those sorts of friends - the ones you can REALLY rely on. The ones who don't mind when you invite them over and talk about nothing but your own worries the whole evening.

And it's not just this that gets me down. Having lots of superficial friendships doesn't bother me overly - but quite frankly, I just can't bear two-faced people, and there are more than a fair smattering of those out here, I can tell you. I just feel I can't trust many of the aforementioned "friends".

Really, I think this is an almost inevitable result of the expat way of life, particularly in aviation. I mean, most of the pilots at my husband's airline live in the same compound, right next door to each other. This means their wives, who spend a great deal of time without their husbands (and a great many of whom don't work and don't drive) have only each other for company. Cue a lot of trips to the pool and coffee shop, and guess what they talk about between themselves? Well, here's a clue - it's not the stock market or the latest terror attack in Pakistan. Nope, it's the people they know in common.

Some people thrive on this sort of behaviour. They love to be in groups, and this allows them to bond together by bitching (or excluding) other people - a bit like gangs do in schools. In fact, a lot of behaviour here resembles the school playground. It's almost like these women have regressed. There's also a great deal of negativity. Get these women together, and all they do is moan about being here, their husband's jobs and command prospects, the cost of living, blah blah blah.

I really can't be doing with this. It reminds me of the bullying I experienced at boarding school - not pleasant memories, I can tell you. And all the negativity makes me want to top myself.

So, what to do? I've realised finally that all of this is tremendously unhealthy. Thus far I've tried to remain "friends" with said people, in order to avoid any further unpleasantness. But having spoken to a few other people who feel the same about it all, I've decided I need to cut ties. The time has come to focus on my genuine friends here (and they're really lovely people, thankfully).

Our family is going to be here for some years to come I think, and what we need is to surround ourselves with people who are glass half full sorts, people who are determined to make the most of life.

Because, blimey - life's too short for this crap....